By Hilde Amundsen
Changing habits can be difficult, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary so you can move ahead with your life.
A number of years back I went through a life crisis. That started me on a quest for tools that could help me set boundaries and change the way I thought about myself and my life.
I was stuck in old patterns and needed help to move forward.
As I found methods and techniques that worked for me, I discovered that the techniques that help us make changes are actually fairly simple. For me, it was about ‘cracking the code’ and understanding how I could work on myself to feel better.
I managed to turn around a difficult period.
Changing habits and the way you do things doesn’t happen on its own. I have worked purposefully and hard to turn around the situation I was in.
In the end, I managed to get out of the difficult situation I found myself in. Here are some tips on how I did it. Many of the techniques I used can now be found in Mindfit, the app that I developed with my sister Janne, who is a psychologist.
6 tips that can help you change
During my own crisis, my thoughts and the way I thought about myself were not good. I had enough confidence in myself from a professional standpoint, but I had low self-esteem when it came to how I thought about myself as a person.
1) Get to know yourself
Understanding myself was the first step towards feeling better.
The first step was getting to know my own reaction patterns. Understanding how I react when faced with something difficult makes it easier for me to understand how I can break the old pattern that had me on autopilot.
I compromised with myself. Therefore, I needed to practice setting more boundaries and standing up for myself. Saying more about what I really wanted and desired, while also needing to practice how I talked to myself.
- Which situations are most challenging for you?
- What feeling do you experience when you’re in a difficult situation?
- Where in your body do you feel discomfort?
Which emotions best describe the discomfort? Do you feel irritated, discouraged, angry, sad, scared, or something else?
2) Challenge your negative thoughst
What we think about ourselves affects how we perceive a situation. We are not always conscious of our thought patterns. It’s important to identify the negative thoughts that affect your belief in your ability to cope.
When you understand what’s happening to you, you can practice changing how you handle and react in different situations.
One obstacle can be the fear of how others will react if you, for example, say no. Setting boundaries and choosing to opt out of something proves to be challenging for many. It’s often difficult to say no.
It is so easy to think, “no, I can’t do that,” “I’m too busy,” “I don’t have control,” or “everyone else is so much better than me.
When you think about your situation:
- What thoughts do you have about yourself?
What thoughts are hindering you? What thoughts are holding you back? Are you too busy, do you lack control, do you feel incapable, or something else?
3) Set goals, and create new habits
When I learned to understand my own response patterns, it was much easier for me to work to change them. It is important to be aware of the resistance you have to change, and motivate yourself to shift from thought to action.
I asked myself: How can I find a way to get tougher in setting limits for myself and say more no?
We often set our own limits, and it’s easy to find excuses for not doing things that we think is a little bit scary. It’s better to be safe.
To get ahead, we must dare to challenge ourself. Set goals (not too big). One step at a time, and you will gradually become more confident.
I decided that I had to start setting more limits for myself. It sounds so easy, but it was not, particularly for someone who always said yes, turned up, and fixed things. The five first times I set real limits were the most challenging for me.
I set goals: I started by practicing saying no more often. I began with small things and practiced staying in the discomfort.
It is one thing to set limits, but it is the reaction I get afterwards that I have had to work with to be able to stand it – and to dare to do it again. What I did then is that I worked with myself mentally with the help of different techniques.
I had to practice staying in the discomfort.
To manage staying in it, I used various techniques to calm down the racing thoughts I experienced.
As I practiced, it became easier to set boundaries. I gradually became more confident, and I learned that it’s okay. Practice makes perfect.
4) Find a coping strategy that works for you.
When you’re about to do something that’s difficult for you, it’s easy to give up because you feel discomfort. In certain situations, I can still feel discomfort, but I’ve now learned some coping strategies to calm down, which work well for me.
You can work on yourself in various ways – there’s really no one-size-fits-all recipe, but you have to find what works best for you.
I have two to three techniques I tend to use.
I often have an internal dialogue with myself, where I ask myself questions like:
- What’s the problem here, exactly?
- Why do I react the way I do?
- What would I say if this happened to a friend – what advice would I give him/her?
- Are there other ways to do this?
This makes it easier for me when I manage to analyze the situation from a distance, shift my focus a bit and see it from a different angel.
Other techniques I use include breathing exercises, mindfulness training, and/or practicing gratitude. All of these techniques, and more, are gathered in the Mindfit app.
5) Log your achievements
One thing I’ve experienced about change is that when I feel like things are going well, there’s always a little setback. Suddenly, I’m back in the old pattern.
Keep this in mind when you are working to change. Don’t be disappointed with yourself, but remind yourself that at least you tried and next time it will go better. It is important to not give up.
It is important to keep track of positive events and situations when you master something along the way, to help keep your spirits up, and see that you are on the right track. Be proud that you tried.
Log your experiences along the way. This way, you’ll have confirmation that you’re on the right track, and you can also go back and see all the things you’ve actually achieved in the past.
Self-efficacy and positive self-talk are important for maintaining motivation and effort. High self-efficacy affects the ability to achieve goals and gives you endurance when tackling difficult tasks.
6) Mindfit provides you with the tools to get started.
This method helped me rediscover the joy of life and feel better about myself. I’m more aware of how I talk to myself, what affects my mood, and what I can do to feel better.
Based on this, we have developed the Mindfit app.
An important part of Mindfit is logging positive experiences by focusing on your achievements, and what you’re grateful for. It will help you in resolving your challenges. Positive memories act as a buffer against stress and negative thoughts. It makes you more resilient and is your path to joy.
